How Do We Learn to Accept the Things We Can’t Control?

Have you ever felt like your finances are in a great spot, only to immediately have expensive car troubles pop up? Lately, that's felt like a metaphor for life where I've been in a steady rotation of dealing with a problem that feels overwhelming, persevering through that problem, and being proud of myself for being resilient, only to have another unrelated problem that feels overwhelming happen again shortly after. I must say, I'm tired of being resilient these days. But, I recognize these are the times that put my systems, mind, body, and resilience to the test.

The older I get, the more I realize that most of what disrupts our peace is outside of our control. Unexpected life stressors, other people’s actions, the timing of setbacks. But how do we respond? That part is ours.

Control What You Can: The Psychology of Locus of Control

Psychologist Julian Rotter introduced the concept of locus of control in the 1950s. People with an internal locus believe they influence outcomes through effort and decisions. Those with an external locus believe outcomes are mostly due to luck or external factors. Unsurprisingly, research shows that people with a more internal locus tend to be more successful, healthier, and better at coping with stress (Lefcourt, 1982).

But here’s the nuance: a healthy mindset involves knowing where your control ends. You can’t prevent life from throwing curveballs. But you can build a mindset that’s equipped to navigate them.

The Science of Psychological Flexibility

One of the most helpful frameworks I’ve read about is psychological flexibility, which comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It’s the ability to stay open, adapt your behavior in the moment, and align your actions with your values—even when life is throwing you something hard (Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).

When I’m overwhelmed, my default is to problem-solve, to fix, to get things back under control. But sometimes, control isn’t available. Sometimes, the best thing I can do is pause, feel the frustration, and then act in alignment with who I want to be even if the situation doesn’t change.

What This Looks Like in Practice

• When I can’t run due to injury, I shift my focus to strength training instead of spiraling into frustration.
• When life stress peaks, I simplify. I lean into my structure that includes short workouts, early nights, and fewer decisions.
• When I get stuck in my head, I come back to breathwork, journaling, or moving my body. It’s not about escape, it’s about regulation.

These aren’t magic fixes. They’re anchors. They remind me that while I can’t always change what’s happening, I can choose how I respond.

Letting Go Without Giving Up

Acceptance isn’t apathy. It’s acknowledging that something is outside your control while still showing up fully in the areas you can influence.

This means:

• Letting go of perfection but still holding on to effort.
• Not wasting energy on what-ifs and instead grounding in the present.
• Choosing aligned action over emotional reactivity.

It’s not easy, but it is effective. Studies show that psychological flexibility is strongly associated with lower anxiety, higher life satisfaction, and better performance under pressure (Bond et al., 2011).

Takeaway

I’m still tired of being resilient. I won’t pretend I wake up every morning thrilled to navigate yet another challenge. But I’ve learned to trust the systems I’ve built. I’ve learned to accept that stress and uncertainty are part of life. And I’ve learned that strength isn’t about controlling everything—it’s about staying steady when everything feels out of control.

So if you’re in a season where it feels like one problem after another, you’re not alone. Control what you can. Accept what you can’t. And keep showing up.

Your mindset is your anchor. Let it hold.

Stay safe, stay healthy!

Martin Foley - Founder, Architecting Wellness